It’s ok to not be ok. The world is constantly telling us that we need to be happy, that if we aren’t happy we should try harder to make ourselves happier. We must be happy all the time and if we aren’t, there is something wrong with us. But what if it’s ok to not be ok? What if sometimes we are sad, or angry, or afraid? What if we don’t always feel happy and excited about life? Well, here is a secret: It’s ok not to be ok!
It is ok not to be ok.
I have heard the question, “How are you doing?” too many times. My default answer is always, “I’m OK.” The look of relief on their face is palpable. They want me to be ok because that means I am healed. Because they do not want to see how much pain I am in, they are relieved when I tell them that I’m fine. I’m so good at holding it together that nobody could ever tell if I’m struggling. I’m so good at acting like everything is ok that nobody knows how hard it is to pretend. How exhausting it is to outwardly appear ok. I’m so good at pretending that people think I’m fine even when I’m not. But I’m not fine. I’m struggling. I’m in pain. I don’t want to pretend anymore. I don’t want to be the person who is always fine. Sometimes I feel like shit and I need someone to know that. But why are people so glad to hear that I am doing ok? What if I don’t feel ok? What if today is a bad day and I want them to know that? One of the reasons we don’t talk about our feelings with each other is because we don’t know how. How can we begin a conversation that is so uncomfortable for most people? I have struggled to accept that it is okay for me not be okay and still maintain self-worth. If you’ve ever felt that way, then you know how I feel. We have to start talking about our feelings. It is not only okay, but necessary to do so. If we can’t share what we’re going through with each other, then how will we ever connect? How will we know that someone cares enough to listen when things are great or bad? I want people in my life who care enough about me to know that they are always there for me no matter what.
You are not alone. You are not the only one who is struggling with grief and loss, and it’s ok to not be “ok.” You might feel like you need to hide your pain because you don’t want anyone else to see how much it hurts. But in reality, we all have our own struggles and challenges that make us vulnerable at times–and those moments of vulnerability make us human. It’s important for everyone around us to know that sometimes we need support from others who understand what we’re going through, especially if they’ve been there themselves! I know that it’s hard to reach out to others when you’re feeling like you can’t do it on your own. But please know that there is nothing wrong with needing support. In fact, it shows strength and courage to ask for help when we need it most. I think the problem is that we often try to do everything by ourselves. We can’t rely on other people all the time, but it’s important to know that they are there if we need them. We need to let others into our lives so they can help us when we’re struggling with something.
Our society has failed to support those who grieve
We have not been taught how to grieve in a healthy way. In fact, we are often told that it’s wrong to grieve or that we should just “get over it”. So many people suffer alone because they think they shouldn’t be sad or miss someone who has died. Our society has told us that this feelings are “bad” or “negative” feelings, but they aren’t. They are just feelings, neither bad/negative or good/positive. They simply exist. But these feelings are normal and natural reactions to loss. Because of this, many people feel isolated and alone when they are grieving. We need to change the way our society treats those who grieve. By being more open about our own experiences with loss and grief, we can start to break down the stigma around this topic. We need to stop telling people that they should just get over it. It is not our job to tell anyone how they should feel or what they should do with their pain. The most important thing we can do is listen, acknowledge and accept without judgment. It’s not always easy to talk about what we are feeling and dealing with. When you have lost someone close to you, it can be difficult to talk about your feelings or how they affect your life. It may feel like a betrayal of the person who died, or like you shouldn’t be sad when they are no longer suffering in pain. But grieving is part of the human experience, and we should all have support as we process our emotions and adjust to this new reality. Talking about your feelings and experiences can help you cope with your loss. It can also help you process what happened, move forward and find ways to live with the pain.
There is a line in Megan Devine’s book titled “It’s ok that you’re not ok” that gets to the heart of our societies grief dichotomy: “You need the reality of your loss reflected back to you – not diminished, not diluted. It seems counterintuitive, but true comfort in grief is in acknowledging the pain, not in trying to make it go away.” Grief is an important part of the human experience. We are wired to have feelings and express them in a healthy way, but we have been taught that these feelings are bad or shameful. We must start addressing this problem as a society. There are no negative or positive feelings, just feelings. We need to stop pushing our grief away and start talking about it. We need to be honest with ourselves, our loved ones and the world around us about how we feel in order to heal from loss. We need to stop stigmatizing grief and start acknowledging it as a natural part of the human experience. We must also stop equating sadness with depression. Depression is an illness, but grief is not. As a society, we need to start talking about our grief. We need to acknowledge it, express it and process it in order to heal from loss. We cannot ignore the pain that comes with losing a loved one. Grief is a natural response to loss. It is an emotional response that varies in intensity and duration depending on the individual, but it is not something that should be ignored. We need to talk about our feelings so we can heal from them. We need to acknowledge and accept the fact that even though we may never get over losing someone we love, this does not mean that our lives are over or meaningless.
Grief is a process, not a problem that needs to be solved
Grief can be isolating and difficult for others to understand or relate to. It’s ok if your grief looks different from someone else’s or even if it feels like there’s no end in sight–you’re still moving forward by feeling whatever you’re feeling and finding ways through the pain or simply surviving or learning to life with the pain. Grief is not shameful. Grieving is not weak, it’s human. Grief can be a blessing in disguise, as it often leads us to discover what really matters to us. Grief is not something that happens once and then disappears; it’s an ongoing process. Grieving is not about forgetting or moving on; it’s about acknowledging loss and making room for new experiences of joy and hope within that loss. Grief is not something to be controlled or cured. It’s an experience that we all have in common, and it’s natural for us to want to find ways of coping with it. Yet there are no easy answers in this complex process of healing. Grief is not about letting go. It’s not about forgetting what we’ve lost, but rather learning to live with it. Grieving is an important part of the healing process, and it’s also something that can happen over and over again throughout life as we experience loss.
It’s complicated! Your relationship with yourself, others and the world around us changes dramatically when we lose someone close to us; the way our brains work changes; our priorities shift; everything seems different than before…and yet somehow things also stay the same too? It can be hard sometimes just trying figure out what exactly has changed about yourself since losing someone so close who meant so much both positively & negatively (in terms of how they impacted your life). But the truth is that we all go through life-changing experiences and it’s important to acknowledge them; to allow ourselves to feel whatever emotions come up for us when we experience loss, grief or trauma. I think part of why it can be so hard for us to move on after experiencing loss is because we tend not to talk about it; despite how common grieving is, most people don’t know what to say or do when someone they love dies. So, how do we move through grief? How can we be of service to ourselves and others when we’re feeling overwhelmed by this experience? I think one of the most important things that I’ve learned in my own journey is that losing someone close isn’t something we can just “get over” or “move on from”; it’s about acknowledging loss and making room for new experiences of joy and hope.
Things happen that do not have a silver lining
It’s not always easy to see a silver lining in the face of tragedy, but sometime things happen that do not have a silver lining. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t try to find a silver lining in every situation; it’s important to acknowledge that sometimes, bad things happen for no reason at all. In these cases, there is no “reason” why something happened—no lesson to be learned or message to be interpreted from the event itself. Just like we’re not responsible for what happens in our lives, we can’t control how other people respond to their experiences either. We, as humans, are wired for hope and positivity, so when something bad happens it can be hard to accept that there is no silver lining. But this doesn’t mean we need to ignore it or pretend it isn’t happening. Grief is an important part of life; it helps us cope with loss and move forward with our lives. Grief can be a powerful experience. It can help us to connect with others, and it can also open up our hearts and minds to new possibilities. When we’re grieving, we shouldn’t have to pretend like everything is okay when it’s not; we shouldn’t have to hide our feelings from the people around us; and we shouldn’t have to put on a brave face for anyone. We should feel free to express ourselves however we need to in order to feel better.
The best advice I can give someone who is struggling with grief, pain, loss, anxiety or depression is: don’t force yourself into believing there must be some kind of positive outcome from whatever has happened in your life–even if it seems like there should be one. Sometimes things happen which do not have an easy answer; sometimes they’re beyond our control; sometimes we can’t always fix everything or make people happy again just by wanting them too hard; sometimes we need acceptance rather than resistance when facing adversity head-on–because resisting will only create greater pain later down the road when reality inevitably comes crashing back down upon us once again after having been ignored long enough. It is ok to not be ok all the time; that is enough. Sometimes it is more important to acknowledge that we have pain than to try and fix it; sometimes acknowledging our suffering is sufficient.
Conclusion
You are not alone in your grief, and there is no shame in grieving. You are valid and real, even if you don’t feel like you have anything to offer the world right now. Grief is a process that takes time, so let yourself be where you are at without trying to force yourself through it or get over it as quickly as possible (which won’t work). Things happen that do not have a silver lining–and sometimes we need people around us who will say this out loud when we’re struggling with our own expectations of how life should go for us or other people around us: “I’m sorry things aren’t working out like they should.” It’s ok to not be ok. It’s ok if you have a bad day and feel sad, angry or confused about life. You don’t need to pretend that everything is fine all the time; we all have those moments where we need someone who understands how hard things can be sometimes without judging us for it.
Thanks for stopping by Surviving Joy! I’m so glad you’ve found me! I’d love to hear from you, so feel free to drop a comment below or shoot me an email on my contact page with any questions or concerns. I’m always looking for new ways to improve my content and make it more useful, so if there’s anything in particular you want me to write about, please don’t hesitate to reach out! If you’re interested in receiving email updates when new posts go up on my site, just click the subscribe button at the top of the page—it’s easy and free, and you’ll never miss out on anything new!
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