Introduction
In our society, grief is often viewed as a negative experience. People often think of grieving as something we should get through quickly, without lingering on the emotions involved. What would our lives be like if we stopped thinking of grief as a negative experience and started seeing the positive ways in which it can change us? Grief is a natural and inevitable part of life. We all grieve in different ways at different times, but we all have our moments of grief and sadness. We often try to avoid dealing with grief because it hurts too much, but you should know that there are some positive aspects of grieving if you allow yourself the opportunity to experience those emotions.
What is grief?
I thought I knew what it was like to grieve. Throughout my life, I’ve experienced the deaths of several loved ones: my older sister who died from childhood cancer; all four of my grandparents’ passing away; and the sudden death of a young cousin. In my college psychology class, I studied the stages of grief. I’ve been in therapy to help me cope with the depression that resulted from those losses. In spite of this, I was unprepared for the wave of grief that engulfed me when my fiancé died. It was only after dealing with his death that I realized the essence of grief: It may never be fully understood—by anyone. No two people or situations will ever be alike when it comes to grieving and sadness. We can gain insights about our own grief by looking back at the stages of grief.
Grief is the emotional pain we feel when we lose someone or something important to us. Grief can be triggered by the death of a loved one, but it also stems from other losses, like divorce or moving away from home. When you experience a loss like this, it’s normal to go through a grieving process. The grieving process consists of five stages: denial and isolation; anger; bargaining; depression; acceptance (or sometimes “recovery”). While there aren’t any set rules as far as how long each stage will last–the length depends on the person experiencing grief–there are some common symptoms associated with each stage:
Denial and Isolation
You might feel numb or disconnected from others during this time because you’re trying not to think about what happened in order for your brain not to overload with emotion. If you’re grieving the loss of a loved one, you may find it hard to accept that they’re gone. Or if you’ve experienced an unexpected loss, such as losing your job or home, you might be in denial about what’s happened and try to pretend that nothing has changed. You might also isolate yourself from others during this time because it helps keep your mind off of things. This is a normal way of coping with stress, but it’s important to get out of your head and connect with other people.
During this stage, I was unable to function normally. It felt as if someone had flipped a switch and turned me off. I had disappeared. Joy had not only vacated the building, she had left her body completely. I was a shell of a human being, empty and numb. I wasn’t able to eat or sleep. The world around me seemed to be moving in slow motion; my mind was stuck on repeat, replaying the nightmare of my experience and the one I now found myself living. I would never be the same again. I was traumatized. I was in a state of shock. I felt numb, as if my body had been injected with Novocain, and I couldn’t feel anything. I was walking around in a daze. My mind was racing and I felt like I couldn’t get out of my own head.
Anger
You may lash out at those around you who remind you of your loved one by saying things like “I wish they hadn’t died” or “Why did God take him/her away from us?” This anger can lead into bargaining if people try too hard instead of being supportive. When you’re angry, it’s important to remember that this is a normal part of the grieving process. It’s okay to feel mad, but it’s not okay to take your anger out on others. The anger may be directed at yourself for not being able to do anything to change the situation. It’s normal to feel angry when bad things happen, but it’s important to remember that this feeling will pass. You may also feel a sense of guilt if you’re angry at God. This is especially true when you’ve lost someone who was very close to you or if your loved one was hurt in an accident that was not their fault. At times like these, it’s important to remember that we don’t always understand why bad things happen.
After my fiancé’s death, I was angry all the time. I wanted to scream and punch things. I blamed and hated anyone and everyone. Nothing and no one was safe from my wrath. I found myself wanting to throw produce at strangers at the grocery store simply because they were there with their family or significant other. I couldn’t comprehend how their world continued to move forward like nothing happened while mine was crumbling around me. Couldn’t they see how much pain I was in? I was barely functioning and holding it all together with a single thread.
Depression
Depression often accompanies all three previous stages (denial/isolation/anger), but it also occurs independently during later periods after initial mourning has ended up turning into depression over time due to unresolved issues surrounding loss(es). When experiencing depression you may feel sad all the time, or you may have brief periods of happiness followed by intense feelings of sadness. You may also experience changes in appetite, sleeping patterns and energy levels. Depression can be caused by a number of factors including genetic predisposition, trauma or loss (including death) and a chemical imbalance in the brain. Sometimes, depression can be a normal part of the grieving process. Other times, it may indicate that you need help and support from a therapist or other mental health professional.
Depression for me is the umbrella that covers all the other stages of grief. I feel like I’m stuck in a very dark place and there is no way out. It’s hard to describe, but it feels like there’s a weight pressing down on me that keeps me from being able to breathe. It’s the feeling that I am stuck in this world, unable to move forward or backward. It’s the feeling of being sad all the time. I also experience changes in my appetite, sleeping patterns and energy levels. It is the feeling of being lost and confused, as if I don’t know where to turn or what to do. It is the feeling that no one cares about me and no one will ever help me. It is the feeling of being alone in a world full of people who think they understand but really don’t. Depression for me is not just sadness; it is despair. It’s a constant feeling of nothingness, emptiness and apathy. It’s the darkness that consumes me, yet I can’t seem to find any light. It’s like being in a fog all day long and not knowing when or if it will ever lift. It is because of these feeling associated with my depression that I attend therapy.
Bargaining
In this stage, you may try to negotiate a different outcome or try to change the situation through bargaining. Symptoms may include feelings of guilt or “what if” statements. You may try to bargain with God, in an attempt to change the situation. For example, you might say “If only I had done this or that differently,” or “I’m so sorry for what I did.” In reality, it was not your fault and there is nothing you could have done differently. The bargaining phase is a form of denial. It is a way to try and give yourself the power to undo what has happened, even though you cannot change it.
Bargaining began before my fiancé passed away. I would have given anything in order to keep him from dying. After his death, I kept imagining all the “what if” scenarios that could have happened. I had a lot of guilt about the situation and I felt like it was my fault. I thought that if only I had done this or that differently, he would not have died. This was not true. There is nothing anyone could have done differently in order to save his life. I would imagine him living, and us marrying. I would imagine us traveling around together and our home in the country, living an amazing life in love. It was my way of trying to change what had happened and give myself a little bit of hope that things could have been different. It was my way of trying to cope with the loss. I would imagine him coming back from the dead and then hanging out with him for a while before he suddenly disappeared again. It was my way of trying to make things better, even if only for a short time. I would imagine him telling me that he missed me and loved me. I would imagine him telling me that he never wanted to leave.
Acceptance (or sometimes “recovery”)
This stage can take a while, and it varies from person to person. Acceptance is different than “moving on”; you don’t want to forget about the loved one who died but instead accept that they’re gone. I’ve always found the phrase “moving on” to be annoying. You are not leaving behind the person who died, your grief or pain. Instead you’re moving forward and growing because of those experiences. The person, loss or grief is still with you. It is now an important part of who you are as a person. You may still cry, but you will find yourself thinking about them less often. You will be able to remember the good times without feeling sad all of the time. You can start to move forward with your life and focus on other things that are important to you. Some people find that they are unable to move past this point, and you may have a difficult time accepting your loved one’s death. You may feel like you have failed somehow. This is normal and many people go through it.
It has been two years and I haven’t found acceptance yet. I know I will one day. I am working towards it and I’m managing my grief better. This stage has been difficult for me. A part of me doesn’t want to accept his death and what that means for my life moving forward. Another part of me is ready to accept and start moving forward into a new stage of life. I am ready to embrace widowhood and new dreams but I’m not fully ready to accept the past. I’m getting there one day at a time.
It’s important to remember that you will move through these stages at your own pace. You may skip one or more of them entirely, while you may experience them in a different order than what has been described above. You may find that you go back and forth between different stages as you try to cope with your loved one’s death. You may feel like you are stuck for a while, but it is important to remember that grieving is a process and not an event. The best thing you can do is to be patient with yourself. Give yourself time to grieve, and allow yourself to feel whatever emotions come up for you as they arise. It’s also important to remember that these stages aren’t linear, meaning that it’s not a straight path from one stage to the next. You may find that you go through them several times over the course of grieving. You may also find that you bounce back and forth between different stages multiple times before getting to acceptance.
Why do we grieve?
Grief is a process, it’s not a destination. I don’t know how many times my therapist has told me that, but she’s right. Instead it’s an ongoing journey that you embark on when someone you love dies, leaves your life in some way, or the loss of something important in your life. Grief is normal. Read that sentence again if you have to. Grief is normal, and it’s not something to be ashamed of–it’s actually quite humbling in many ways. It is an opportunity for growth and personal development. Grieving opens your heart and mind to new possibilities, a new way of being. Grief cultivates strength and resiliency. It teaches you about hope and joy. It’s part of the human experience, and we all go through it in our own ways. Grief is the way we process loss. It’s how you come to terms with the fact that something important has happened and your life will never be the same. Grieving is a way of moving forward in life without that person by your side anymore. No two people grieve the same way, and there is no set time limit for it to happen. It takes as long as it takes. Grieving is not something that should be rushed through or ignored; in fact, ignoring your grief can cause more problems than just dealing with it head-on. Grieving is a natural process and part of the healing process. It’s not something that can be avoided or pushed aside, and it should not be stigmatized.
Grief is the price we pay for love
A wise woman (Queen Elizabeth II) once said, “Grief is the price we pay for love.” She was right. Profound grief only exists where there was once profound love. When you lose someone who was once close to your heart, it hurts. Very deeply. It’s a type of pain unlike any other. It’s not just physical pain; it’s also emotional and mental pain. Grief is the feeling that comes after loss, whether it be the loss of a loved one, job, or something else important in your life. It is a natural part of the human experience. It is not something to be ashamed of, and it’s not something that should be ignored. Grief is a necessary component in the healing process, so if you are grieving then don’t try to push it aside or pretend that it doesn’t exist. We need to grieve in order to heal and overcome. When we are grieving, it’s important that we allow ourselves to feel what we are feeling. Don’t try to push your emotions away or pretend that they don’t exist. Allow yourself time to acknowledge them and let them pass through you so they don’t build up and become overwhelming.
Grief depends on personality type, socialization, culture, age and other factors such as health status or substance abuse issues (which might make it hard for someone to feel their feelings). Some people are conditioned from childhood not to show their emotions or express them openly; others are encouraged by their family members or peers not only not show sadness but also pretend everything is fine even when it isn’t–and this can lead them into unhealthy coping mechanisms later on in life. If you have a hard time grieving, it could be because of any number of reasons. Maybe you’ve been told not to show your emotions, or maybe you’re used to bottling them up. Maybe you’re afraid that if you let yourself cry or feel sad then someone might think less of you (or worse). This can lead people into unhealthy coping mechanisms such as substance abuse.
The process of grieving is often described as a kind of journey through different stages. In reality, it can be an up-and-down experience with many twists and turns along the way. The most important thing to remember is that you are not alone. You are allowed to feel whatever it is that you feel. The first step towards healing and moving forward is acknowledging what has happened and allowing yourself the space to grieve. It is often said that time heals all wounds. While this is true in some cases, it is not always the case. Some wounds never seem to heal. Instead, they form scars that are a testament to the pain you’ve been through—and survived. Scars are beautiful. The process of grieving can be very long and painful. It can also be emotional and frustrating at times as well. However, it is important to remember that you don’t have to go through this alone.
Inside I am shattered and the broken pieces will never fit the same way again
After my fiancé’s death, I felt shattered and broken. I felt helpless. I didn’t know how to begin putting my life back together again, or if that was even possible. I felt guilty for not being able to do more for him. I was awkward around other people. I didn’t know what to say or how to act. I felt like I was in a fog, and everything was out of focus. I felt like a stranger in my own body. It was hard to get out of bed every morning, but I forced myself to do so. I had a hard time concentrating on anything but my grief. I was angry and frustrated that life had taken away someone I loved so much. When people tried to help me, it made me feel even worse because it made me feel guilty for not being able to do more for myself. I was afraid of being alone, yet I craved solitude. I was falling apart and broken. Those around me kept commenting on how “strong” I was. I didn’t think it would ever get better, and I felt like a failure because I wasn’t strong. What I wanted more than anything was for someone to stop seeing how “strong” I was and acknowledge how broken I truly felt. I wanted someone to say that they saw my pain, how broken I was and that was okay. The thing with grief is you feel everything but strength. You are not weak by any means, but you are working on becoming strong. There is a difference. I am stronger everyday because I’m working on myself.
Grief is not a sign of weakness, and it doesn’t mean that I’m less of a person because I am grieving. Grieving takes time. I know I’ve said that a few times already but we all need to hear. Be kind to yourself and others; give them that time. It is important to acknowledge that you are entitled to your feelings. You don’t have to pretend that everything is fine when it isn’t. Talk about the person who died with other people who knew him/her well; ask them what they miss most about this person. Try not to let yourself get stuck in a rut of negative thoughts that only make you feel worse as time goes on.
How I am still breathing?
While I am grieving, it can be hard to get through some days. That’s the thing with grief, your heart is broken but it keeps on beating; you can’t breathe but you keep on breathing. You can get through it. You just have to keep moving forward, one step at a time. You will live through the pain and you will survive, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. You may not be able to see the light at the end of this tunnel but your life will get better one day. It’s hard to believe that someone you love so much is gone, and it can be even harder to understand how life goes on. But it does. Everyone mourns in their own way, some people need time alone while others want company. No one knows what will help them feel better; try different things and see what works for you. It’s important to remember that there are many ways to do this and everyone grieves differently. It’s okay if you need time alone or with family members; it is also okay if you want to share your feelings with friends who have lost someone they love as well.
If people knew how much I truly miss him, they would wonder how I am still breathing. It is impossible for others to understand what it feels like inside my soul, my heart, when I think about all of those moments we shared together…but then again…I wouldn’t want you too! I will hold our memories close to my heart and cherish every moment we shared together. I miss him so much. It is hard to believe that he is gone. I miss the way he smiled at me. I miss his touch and his kisses. I miss the way we could talk for hours on end without ever getting bored. I miss the way he made me feel like a princess when we were together. I miss him so much. I don’t know how to go on without him here with me. I am lost without him in my life, and the pain is unbearable sometimes. But through it all, I still love him with every fiber of my being; nothing can change that!
What are the positives of grief?
We can learn to heal by grieving, as it helps us grow and become stronger, more resilient, and it can be a positive experience that helps us heal and overcome. Grieving can help us feel connected to others who have also experienced loss. It can help us learn from our experiences, which can lead to better choices in the future. When we are able to understand what we’ve been through and how it has shaped us, this gives us the opportunity to accept ourselves and others as we truly are. When we are able to accept ourselves and others as we truly are, this gives us the opportunity to love ourselves and others unconditionally, despite our imperfections. When we are able to love unconditionally, this means that no matter what happens in our lives, we will always find a way to be happy.
Grieving is also a process where there are no right or wrong ways for each person’s grief journey to unfold, but rather many stages of grief which people may experience differently depending on their personality type or circumstances surrounding their loss. As humans, we have the ability to learn from our experiences and grow from them. We all go through times in our lives where we suffer a loss or experience some type of tragedy. When this happens, it is important for us to understand that grieving is a normal process and does not mean that we are weak or flawed in any way.
It’s important for us to be aware of our own grief, as well as that of others. By acknowledging and validating another person’s feelings and experiences, we can help them feel connected and supported during this difficult time. Grieving can be a lonely process, and it is important to know that there are many people who care about us and want to support us through this time. It’s not necessary for us to go through our experiences alone, as we have the ability to reach out and receive help from others who have experienced similar losses or situations.
What was the hardest….
There are two questions my therapist always asks. The first question is what was the hardest part of my week? The first question is important because it helps me to recognize when I am not doing well and gives me an opportunity to share that with my therapist. It also allows me to reflect on the things I have done that week, which can be helpful in identifying areas where I may need help. I usually don’t want to answer this because it makes me feel like a failure and I don’t want to seem like one. But what I have learned from her is that it doesn’t matter if something was hard or not, how you were feeling about it does. So if you say that something was hard and then explain why it was hard, then this will help your therapist understand how things were for you during the week.
What was the best….
The second question is what was the best part of my week? I like this question because it allows me to reflect on the things I did that week which are positive. Sometimes when I answer this question, my therapist will ask me if there was anything else that happened during the week that was good but maybe not as positive. This can help us identify what kinds of things help me feel better or cope with my problems better. This question is important because it allows me to reflect on what I did that made me happy or feel like my life is going in the right direction.
In the beginning, sometimes my answer to both questions was the same. For example, early on just getting out of bed or the house was difficult. I would say that this was the biggest thing that happened in my week. It was difficult for me to get out of bed sometimes, and when I did it felt like a huge accomplishment. Which is how it was also the best part of my week. If you are at that point in your own grief where the hardest and best part of your week are the same thing, embrace it! As time went on, though, my answers started to change. I was able to accomplish more things each day and felt better about myself because of it. When I answered those two questions, what made me happy usually wasn’t getting out of bed or going outside but rather doing something productive (like writing a blog post or partaking in my photography). After I had some time to think about it, I realized that my answer had changed because my life had changed. The hardest and best part of my week are no longer the same thing because I was moving forward with my grief and depression.
Conclusion
Grief is a natural and necessary process. It’s important that we allow ourselves the space to grieve our losses, so that we can move forward with our lives. The pain of grief may seem overwhelming at times, but you will earn to embrace its place in our lives if we allow ourselves time and space for healing. Whether you are currently grieving or not, take some time today and ask yourself: what was the hardest part of this past week? Why was it so difficult? Can I learn and grow from that experience? What was the best part of the past week? What made it so good? Can I learn and grow from that experience? How can I create more moments like that in my everyday life? What do I need right now? What else could you be feeling? Do you want to be alone or with others at this moment in time? When you’re grieving, it can be difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Grieving is a process that requires patience and compassion for yourself as well as others. You might feel like you are stuck in a dark place with no way out—but there is always hope.
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